Watching.

I joined Weight Watchers last week. Not sure if I said that already but it's on my mind right now. I paid my dues this past week. Even walked to my meeting on Thursday. Most of you know how I feel about the weight thing if you've been a steady reader of mine. It's one of those things that no matter what, if you look at me at any given moment, I'm probably thinking about it. So, of course being prompted by the event of getting engaged, and having my doctor tell me I'm obese, and then getting an email about Weight Watchers at work, I've decided to do it. I'm in. I'm not shy, so I'm gonna share my details a lil bit. Don't judge me.

Height: 5'2"
Current weight: (well, as of thurs) 180
BMI: 32

At my last appointment with Dr. Waugh, I blathered on about work and friends and traveling and being engaged and whatnot. I also mentioned something about hating my body. I immediately started crying. She handed me the tissue box and had me do an exercise. I had to close my eyes and imagine that my body was actually sitting next to me on the couch; that I'd brought it to therapy with me. She had me tell my "body" what I thought of it. I've never heard such venom come out of my mouth and mean it - I told it I didn't like it, I didn't like the way it looked, it needed more energy, I was disappointed in it, it was lazy and unmotivated. Then she told me to replace the word "it" with the word "you". I could barely speak I was hurting so bad. She then told me that I needed to repair this damage, and that I needed to start viewing my relationship with my body as a human relationship with give and take. She said I needed to realize how mean I'd been, how hurtful I'd been, and how much pain I'd caused the other party and that it was absolutely my responsibility to repair this damage. Of course this made me cry even harder because a.) I hate being reprimanded, and b.)I'm not a mean person! Really I'm not! I make mistakes, yes, but I'm not a mean or bad person.

You could say that that sort of pushed me to do this too. I don't want to hate myself or feel ashamed of my body on my wedding day. I want to enjoy it, and enjoy the act of marrying the love of my life. I have a year to do this. I don't have a set plan, but here's what I think I need:

Constant encouragement
Someone to exercise with
A fridge/cupboard full of healthy options
To eat out less
Hugs and unconditional love from people on this journey...
And maybe your prayers, if you're prayin' people...

Anyway. Is it me, or is this day just d...r...a...g...g...i...n...g on?

Things that are good that I've done so far:
Monday I walked outside around the building
Tuesday I attempted the balance ball workout with Jamie - we worked out for about 45 minutes or so. My ass and thighs hurt like a mofo on Wednesday.
But I still walked on Wednesday, since Becky and I brown-bagged and went upstairs to walk.
Thursday I busted my cha-chas to the Method Pilates DVD.
I ate lots of fruit. In fact, I brought cherries and grapes every day to work. I also keep a stash of Kashi snacks in my drawer.
I have yet to have a glass of wine this week.
My Starbucks indulgence this morning was an Iced Coffee with Skim Milk and sugar-free hazelnut syrup.

I really need you guys. Please comment or call me and tell me I'm doing ok.