Eureka!!

Most of you know that I've been in therapy for, oh, about 3 years now. During my last few sessions, we've been talking about figuring out who I am at my absolute core. It's something I've struggled to understand HOW to do, and so lately we've been really digging our heels and and working REALLY hard to figure out how I can wrap my head around... me. During the first session we talked about this, Dr. K came to the conclusion that the first step is for me to BE WILLING TO DO IT. i.e. be willing to confront all this mess that may or may not reside within and clean house. So my homework for the month of November was to "use my willingness to focus on others' problems and anxieties and switch that focus on others inward, toward myself". What I discovered in the month of November was that I didn't really "get it". I didn't understand. How was I supposed to change years and years and years of letting other people's wants and needs dictate how I lived my life, into all of a sudden letting MY core desires and needs dictate how I live? I mean, I was taught (just like bajillions of other people) that it's a good thing to take care of everyone else, and that you should make sure things are taken care of for them before we can focus on ourselves - i.e. don't be conceited or whatever.



Well, fast forward to December's session. I expressed this feeling of not comprehending what she was asking of me, and that I felt like I needed clarification. So we decided maybe in order to "use my willingness", I needed to figure out what exactly was inside me that needed that protection and focus. A-ha! It's not that I CAN'T take care of someone else in their time of need - in fact, it is part of what makes me who I am. We all have core attributes - things that define at the deepest levels who we are and what makes us unique. (God-given traits, if you will) All human beings have attributes. Not all human beings have the same attributes, and some are more developed than others. Dr. K brought out a list of Attributes, and my homework for the month was to think about these different words and descriptors and place a check mark next to the ones that spoke to me or that I could relate to easily. For the other part, I was to place an asterisk next to the ones that I admired in others or that I'd like to develop within myself. When I went back this past week I brought out the paper and set about telling her Ok, here are the ones I connected with, here are the ones I WISH I connected with. A few of the ones I "got"?

Appreciative
Compassionate
Considerate
Creative
Encouraging
Empathetic
Enthusiastic
Friendly
Generous
Gentle
Genuine
Grateful
Humble
Kind
Respectful
Spiritual
Supportive
Thoughtful
Trustworthy

What do you think? I really felt like these are the ones that applied to me the most. However, I guess I misunderstood a bit - When I read off these words, I used the phrases "I've been this before, I've done that before"... all very situational things. She stopped me and said that while she saw that I connected with the words, and saw myself in them, there was a HUGE disconnect in that I didn't own them. I didn't say "I AM a kind person, I AM supportive and respectful." ohhhh... oops. Ok, so that's part of where I am lacking in the self esteem department. She got out a blank sheet of paper and drew a straight line. "This is your foundation line. This is where those attributes are, those things that make you who you are at your very core." She then drew small circles in a random pattern around that straight line. In the circles she wrote the words "thoughts", "feelings", "ideas", "points of view", etc. "The circles represent your psychology - the things that guide you in your actions in the past, and now." What we're trying to do then, is to sort of wade through the psychology of me and begin to see that those things at my core are the ones that I want to guide me in my life. I want the fact that I'm an appreciative, compassionate, creative, encouraging person at my very core to be what I focus on, and to be the traits that drive me every day. Not what someone says about me, not what I think about something, not how I feel about someone. (well, ok, maybe partly, but not when it comes down to bare bones stuff) My goal is to sort of "part the red sea", if you will, of all the garbage in my psychology such that I can get at my own core and fully BE and ACCEPT that person.

Now came the tricky part. Those attributes that I had asterisked (is that a word, Shauna??) were the ones that I admired in others, and wanted to build in myself. Things like:

Authentic
Brilliant
Confident
Courageous
Decisive
Dedicated
Dependable
Focused
Inspiring
Intelligent
Minidful
Persistent
Reliable
Steadfast
Thorough
Visionary

At this point, she explained to me that because those were the attributes that resonated in me with other people, I also possess the capacity for them in myself. Have you ever heard anyone say "Well, the things you don't like in others are the things you don't like about yourself."? It makes total sense. And vice versa, the things you really like about your best friend are the things you have in yourself, but maybe you don't necessarily realize it. I have so many girlfriends, all of whom are incredible people in their own ways and have different traits that I would LOVE to possess. Take my sister for example - Christine cracks my shit up. I laugh so hard I pee when I'm with her because she has a wicked sense of humor and flawless delivery. I do the same with Jamie and so many others. But you know what? I've had other friends rolling on the floor with something I said or did too, so I am kind of under the impression I'm a funny girl. Sometimes. :) Anyway, the point is those attributes above that are the ones I want to develop in myself are already there. They're just little tiny third-world countries at my core (my continent, if you will?) that need some TLC. She asked me how I thought I would do that. It caught me off guard because whenever people ask me a question like that I frantically think "OMG I DON'T KNOW THE RIGHT ANSWER!!!". I said something like, "Um, try to do those things more often...??" She said "Practice. Practice being courageous. Practice being confident."

So. Practice.

Ok.

So that was my little (Ok, the writing took forever but in my head it was little) epiphany. I feel like I'm hitting the reset button on my thinking now, and focusing on making MY life well has sort of clicked into place. It's a hard habit to break, wanting to take care of and do things for everyone else before turning my focus on me, and I think there's still a time and place for that... but eventually you lose yourself doing that, and I'm on a missing to get back to me. :)